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Meet the Fairelands Sheriff’s Association: Commander Xavian Starsider

Commander Xavian Starsider of the Fairelands Sheriff’s Association

Commander Xavian Starsider, the chief and leader and practically a demigod of the Fairelands Justice in the form of Fairelands Sheriff’s Association graciously took a moment to answer some questions from our ever-curious press. (Reading the interview is obligatory, on pain of being fined.) 

Commander Starsider, how did you become the Commander of the whole Tiny Pawlice Force?

I was formally sworn at by the Lords and Ladies of the Fairelands to uphold justice and decency across the realms. Excuse me, did I say sworn at? I meant sworn in. The less said about that the better.

How many years have the Tiny Sheriff’s Association pawliced the Fairelands? How exactly do they keep the Fairelands safe?

I became the first fulltime tiny member of Faireland Security back in 2012. By 2013, I’d risen to the ranks of commander and the entire security force was replaced with tinies. I wouldn’t say it was a coup but I wouldn’t say it wasn’t either!

My lads and lasses have a very important job to perform in maintaining the safety and sanctity of the Fairelands. There are some who say that what we do isn’t fair, to which I’d like to point out that this is not the Fair. This is the Faire. There is a silent ‘E’ in there. Just like us. We’re silent. But we’re always there. Silent but deadly.
Our main purpose is to watch out for threats and dangerous criminals in the Fairelands and subdue these vile fiends (sometimes, they actually are fiends!) and hold them until we feel they can safely be released on their own recogni…reconnicksauce?…reconaissance? Scratch that. Until we feel we’ve gotten everything that they’re worth.

How many officers do you have on the Fairelands pay roll? Do you recruit more?

Pay roll? My officers do their work on a volunteer basis, solely out of love for the job and bribe opportunities. Every year there’s a few fresh new faces on the force, so yes we do recruit from those we feel are up to the task. Some of my finest this year include Captains Blaize, Oldesoul, Cassie and Sergeants Lala and Linn.

Commander Starsider, the Official Paddy Wagon and completely coincidental hoard of waffles.

What do you have to say about the accusations on corruption and rumors of confiscated catnip and waffles?

Well, corruption is such a bold word. There have long been accusations of the Faireland Sheriffs considering themselves to be above the law, but I’m here to state that this is not the case. All of my officers are at least three feet beneath the law! But corruption means so many things to so many people. I could ask how you define corruption, but ultimately it doesn’t matter how you define it, Sonya. I’m the Long Paw of the Law. Only my definition matters, and by my definition, I can assure you that one shouldn’t even suggest allegations of corruptions in our ranks. We have a cell block for people who do.

But in all seriousness, never think that the officers of the Faireland Sheriff’s Association do not get their just desserts. On the contrary, every Tuesday night is Just Desserts night down at the station. Cakes, pies, ice cream, fudge brownies! That’s all we’re allowed to have Tuesday nights. Just desserts!

Are dinkiecats truly evil and unstable, fining people just for fun?

It’s been said that having a black cat cross your path is bad luck. I can assure you that crossing a dinkie cat at all is worse. ‘Nuff said.

How can a visitor ensure they don’t break any regulations? What are good guidelines for Faire-fitting behaviour?

Well, most visitors probably will be breaking regulations. We have a lot of regulations. We have so many regulations, we don’t even have them all written down! So the question is what should a fine citizen of the Fairelands do when they’ve broken our regulations. We advise self-policing.

First, stop and consider your actions and how the Faireland Sheriff’s Association would look at them. Are you running from place to place? Speeding! Flying? Do you have a license? Standing around on the path? Well, that’s impeding traffic! These are just examples. If you suspect that your behavior is of questionable morality, do the right thing and fine yourself. Make payments immediately to the nearest donation kiosk.

Secondly, consider that someone may have seen you in this criminal behavior. This could compound matters, so you better pay a little extra on your fine.

Third, anyone who witnessed your crime should probably pay a fine too. After all nobody likes a snitch or a busybody!

Once all fines are paid, you can return to enjoying your day in the Fairelands, with our blessing.

FF - Jail and Bail_003 potential
Faire Folk Suspects: no one is safe! – Picture by Alisaundra Andel

What is your favourite Faire memory? What gives you strength to continue your arduous task year after year?

Well, you might not expect it but it brings a smile to my face to see the good citizens of the Faire come together to the aid of the incarcerated at our Jail and Bail events. It shows a respect for our job and a willingness to participate in the legal process. In the end, we all win. If the citizens believe someone is truly innocent *scoffs*, who are we to keep them from putting their money where their mouh is? We’re happy to meet the will of the public. After all, we can always arrest these ne’er-do-wells the next year. Speaking of which, I have a pretty thick case file on one Alia Baroque. I think I’m going to need to pay him a visit today.

Is that waffle wrapped in fine tickets?

Of course not. That wouldn’t make any sense. Per regulation, these fine tickets are wrapped in waffles. They’d taste terrible with syrup otherwise. Okay. We’re done here. No more questions. Move along! Don’t make me get out my billy club!

Thank you, Commander Starsider, for your benevolent patience and protection of all the Faire Folk that pay the fare. It is, after all, only fair.

Commander Starsider’s healthy morning exercise: swimming in a waffle mountain.

Pawlice Corruption: Shocking Revelations About Dinkie Officers!

Innocent Victim Bun and evildinkiecat
Rynn Verwood, an evildinkiecat Officer of the Paw, and Sonya Marmurek, the innocent bun-nymph victim of the Pawlice corruption. – Picture by Sonya Marmurek

Every Faire visitor knows that the peace within the Fairelands is guarded by the fiercely wafflesome Tiny Sheriffs Association, led by the Commandant Xavian Starsider. The Tiny Sheriffs guard and protect the Fairelands, catch and imprison the miscreants for the general justice, allowing the Faire Folk to operate as the judge and jury. The bails can be paid straight into the RFL kiosks, and should it be high enough, the Tiny Sheriffs might benevolently free the criminals and pad away in search of more waffles wrongdoers. Surprisingly the worst offenders tend to be found amongst the world builders and creators. Perhaps it is a much needed balance after all the selfless work for the greater good, or perhaps there’s something more afoot here, something much more sinister and — dare I say? — corrupt!

The last few years the Pawlice have accepted dinkie cats into their ranks, which in general has been applauded as a cooperative expansion to include other breeds than tinies: perhaps one year there might even be Sheriffs of not small stature! However, disturbing news have always followed the dinkie-cat behaviour: reckless distribution of fines on clearly imaginary crimes such as too short dress hems or standing in the wrong spot at the wrong time. This year the misuse of martial power has grown to unforeseen levels!

Rynn Verwood FF Exec
Rynn Verwood, FF Exec – Picture by Alisaundra Andel

On top we have pictorial evidence of one Rynn Verwood, a dinkie cat officer of the Tiny Paw of Law, accosting a clearly innocent bun-nymph with false accusations of having dirty barefeet and having an unregistered business of yeyflags and lying to an officer when everyone knows bun-nymphs have always clean toes, yeyflags are an art form and they always tell the truth!

The situation escalated to such lengths that the said clearly corrupted officer threatened to make a coat out of the innocent bun-nymph and sell it to the highest bidder. Surely this is breaking any martial authority, even in the Fairelands!

When contacted with an inquiry about the Pawlice corruption, Commandant Starsider had this to say: “That’s not true. Our officers are good hard working men and women of the law, and only receive frightening levels of authority when they’ve had a good job performance review.” He then continued to address one of his officers: “Linn, thanks for bringing in that box of donuts to the station this morning. Here’s your license for frightening levels of authority.”

The reader might draw their own conclusions based on this statement, but the author calls for justice! Surely blameless nymphs must be allowed to pad around bare feet in the Fairelands!

Rynn Verwood performing a clearly evil dinkiecat Ritual Dance of Menace and Mayhem.

Official Apology from the Commander of Pawlice!

xavian1bXavian Starsider, the Commander of the Tiny Sheriffs Association, has had a lot to answer this Faire. There has been accusations of corruption, of the confiscated waffles ending in Pawlice mouths, of rampant delivery of injustice and even invented regulations, not to mention the new addition of the ferocious and clearly unstable dinkie cat officers into the Paw Force!

Despite all the near-riots against the Pawlice, the Commander has never admitted having done anything wrong. Until yesterday.

On Saturday, May 10th, a day that will go down in history, Xavian Starsider issued an official apology to Judy Chestnut of Dwarfins in Hope’s Horizon.

At first Commander Starsider was still somewhat defensive with statements like: “We’re fair to everyone in the faire that meets the fare” and “I’m needed here to keep PEACE AND ORDER and ensure the safety of all the Fairelands residents! except the ones whose names I’ve been jotting down for the past half hour.”

There seems to have been some spark of regret in his tiny koala heart, for later on he was seen mumbling and grumbling “Sorry Judy.” and “Judy I’m sorry I called dwarfins lawn gnomes.” and even to crown the apology with his eloquence: “msrryjdy”.

This moment of soft heartedness seems to have exhausted the limits of his mercy since he was soon back to normal: “Okay you all have 5 minutes to get your laughs in before this crowd has to disperse. I’m already feeling the need to arrest someone.”

He may be one tough koala and he may throw you in jail for looking at waffles sideways, but at least we have had one official apology from the Tiny Sheriffs! Enjoy it for its rarity for we don’t know if we will see another. Ever.